Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will be beginning my first of 30-days of radiation treatments.
In my recent scans, there have been several spots of regrowth, and I’ve been awaiting information until recently when they confirmed I will be doing radiation treatments.

It’s all very frightening.
It’s all very stressful.

I’m trying my best to deal with it all as best as I can while processing the million other things on my mind. It’s not exactly calming when the information they do give you is the possibility negative side-effects while stringing in some of the worst of worst-case scenarios.

The most unfortunate of it all is the waiting – and then the overthinking – and then the waiting again. It generates some sort of unique anxiety, but the interesting thing is telling people about it and seeing/hearing their reactions. It puts things back into perspective, whether it be them sharing their personal stories or their lack of reaction possibly from disbelief, either way, it’s something. It shows how situations like this aren’t simple to deal with. It shows me how, fortunately, it isn’t a common thing and people just don’t know what to say or what to do to help. Unfortunately, this means that I, myself, don’t yet know how to deal with it yet either.

I contemplated sharing this on a more public platform but knew that it would cause more discomfort than good. So for those of you who still periodically come here (for whatever reason), I hope this gives you some insight into what’s going on and hope you appreciate this post. It took me a lot of emotional energy to write it, but I’m going to need even more emotional strength to make it through this, and I’m glad I got a chance/a platform to at least put these thoughts out there.

But hey, wish me luck, and don’t be too upset about it – let me take care of that.

Random Thoughts #9.

  • Are the unique tones, rhythms, and beats most crucial to making music magical?
  • Or are the emotions, meanings, and lyrics what really makes it feel right?

I don’t know the answer to those two questions, but I do know I appreciate and need both – something about certain combinations of notes and rhythms can present intense emotions, and when they paired with the right lyrics, it makes us feel a certain way.

I’ve spent too many nights crying myself to sleep listening to certain songs, but I’ve also spent many mornings feeling a lot better after doing so.

You gain some; you lose some.

 

 

 

Random Thoughts #8.

Bad news is bad…
Sad news is sad…
What else is new?

Got some bad sad news today. I feel sort of crummy and really can’t concentrate. I don’t know how to cope or if I should even be thinking of this as “coping” or if I should just be moving on from it as soon as possible.

I mean, this is exactly what I was afraid would happen and it’s happened. What do I do now? I spent a lot of time fearing it and apparently not enough time thinking of what I would actually do if it happened.

Guess it’s time to figure that out now.

Random Thoughts #7.

I’m so selfish.

I’ve spent the last little while focussing on myself a lot. On my future, on my prospects, and on my worries. I forgot that there’s more to life than me and my little bubble. There are more problems happening in the world than my own and the large-scale ones based on politics that I seem to care about but can’t control. That there are people around me suffering, and now that I realize that I can’t help but feel even more stressed. The same terrifying things I’ve seen happen to other people, strangers (in a way), in my days of long-term care volunteering and personal rehabilitation is happening to someone I care about. I feel nauseated by all of it. And I can only begin to imagine what it must feel like to be in that position because as much as there are many similarities, I don’t have kids or grandkids to worry about, and if having people see me in that vulnerable position was hard, I can’t even comprehend how it must feel to have the people that you raised have to “raise” you. I realized this week, or the last couple days, that what I wrote in my applications and such may have been great – inspirational and real – but it may not have been real enough. I neglected and/or forgot about what this process felt like -the process of suffering indirectly. It seems that I just keep on changing, and along with it, my personality and opinions too. But it seems that as much as people say that I seem happier and healthier, I can’t seem to remember if I really am or if this is all just a delusion that has almost run its course. Nonetheless, I can’t let myself worry about that now. There are other more pressing matters to tend to.

 

 

Random Thoughts #6.

I’m just really tired.

I am just confused (and sort of over this whole thing). I’m afraid that I took this whole extra year to just leave me even more unprepared and unsure. My marks show one thing, but the weary nights to get those marks tell another. Worried about if I made the wrong decisions, worried about where things will take me, and in general, being really angry about the hate and judgement that is university discussion forums.

  • Why I shouldn’t care: If they are on those forums, they are probably just as oblivious as you are.
  • Why I maybe should care: They are still the next generation, and probably I will be seeing them at some point in my career (or someone similar).

Well, that is, if they don’t end up falling from their high horse and hurting themselves first. They may bruise more than just their ego.

 

 

 

Random Thoughts #5.

I’ve been feeling down.

It’s not something you think about when you’re happy, but when you’re sad or anxious, that’s all you can think about. Which lately has been how I feel more and more often. Between the stress of university selections, upcoming math exams, not feeling physically great, and juggling the underlying thought that “something may still be wrong with me”, has been wearing me down.

And I mean down…

Down straight through the ground – so far down I think I feel my butt starting to warm up.

All jokes aside, it’s not easy feeling this way. Especially when you read a post on the confessions page (of the school that I’m thinking of going to) talking about how they don’t believe that people should blame anxiety and that “everyone can get a 4.0”. I replied sharing my knowledge and understanding of “mental health” and personal experiences with people who are trying their hardest, but their obstacles are just too much to overcome. I have been trying my best to talk to people about it (my own fear). I talked to people I believe know me well, but it’s hard for those few voices to overcome the voices of many – society, the education system, and other voices that we place at a high significance.

Between fearing that I have not applied to programs for my highest potential or not even getting into the programs that I did apply to, you come to a crisis of “where do I even belong at all?” I am being pulled to believe that “I’m dumb because I didn’t apply to _____”, but also people making me  think “Why didn’t you apply to ________” because “you seem like the type to apply there.”

Between people who are discounting me too much (including myself), and people forgetting that this huge incident happened to me like just over a year ago (also including myself), it’s really difficult to see which side is most correct in their assumptions, or where the truth is along that scale.

When I get home, I feel down, I feel sick, I feel cold, and I feel tired, but above all, I feel afraid. Afraid that thing that I believe took a huge part of what I considered myself to be, took something that I cannot replace sufficiently anymore. I honestly feel robbed. Robbed by my circumstance. Robbed not of my future, but of the future that people expected of me. Maybe the choices I make now because of it really allowed me to get to my future earlier, but right now, I feel judged. I feel ashamed, and despite knowing what I think I really want, I still fear that that’s just not good enough for me because that’s what people and society have been telling me.

As much as we like to mock certain programs or schools, the people in those programs/schools/campuses are still people too. People with emotions, situations you may not be aware of, and as much as we love to generalize people these days, I find myself realizing the tone that gives off.

When people say ________________ is a waste school/program/whatever, that immediately downgrades everyone in it. It disregards specific circumstances, it disregards specific interests, and it turns these huge decisions (life decisions) into mathematical calculations. We may be investing in our future, but this investment isn’t something monetary.

Remember: we can’t all be CEOs, we can’t all be lawyers, we can’t all be doctors, some of us will just have to be other things that aren’t are prestigious and we will just have to be happy with that (that includes themselves too)- there’s no need to shame anyone.

So now, even after saying all of that, I still am having a difficult time with my decision (not that I even need to make one yet, I haven’t even gotten the official acceptances from the two choices that I’m debating between). At the end of the day, I’m not sure if I’m just saying these things because it represents how I really feel, or if I just got really good at making myself feel better.

Ifs.

**WARNING: FEATURES LA LA LAND SPOILERS**

What if?

That phrase that will be the death of me. Today I watched La La Land in theaters and despite it being a good movie like all the reviews say (with issues of the character development and stereotypes aside), it didn’t WOW me as much as it brought me to a very emotional state – reminding me of the everlasting question of “what if?”. 

Although they ended up being happy in their own separate lives, what would have really happened if they actually met the first time they saw each other (like the film previewed), or if after she filmed the movie they were to get back together, etc. etc.

Thinking about these questions brings up the issue of the million intricate possibilities in life. The many decisions that we make and the many things that are brought to use by fate. So many things are based on spending that extra second to get ready or a split-second decision. That doesn’t mean that bad decisions don’t sometimes lead to amazing outcomes – they are decisions. I often imagine myself in these scenarios (maybe I already am in these situations and just don’t realize it) and think “darn it, what would I do?”.  But this is real life, and there are no replays or flashbacks to tell me.

Much like they did, I probably just have to smile and be glad that the other is happy that they are both successful and doing well. However, it still pains me to think about the infinite possibilities that we all have. I highly doubt I will ever be exactly in Mia (Emma Stone)’s shoes, but what if somewhere along the way I let go of someone or something that could have been amazing? I will never know. Something about that just feels wrong to me, but then again, nothing ever really feels 100% right (at least I haven’t experienced it yet).

Personally, many questions of what if came up often after my injury. Questions of What if this didn’t happen? or What if just did this instead – could I have prevented? still often haunt me. What I have started to realize over time – especially after this movie – is that there’s nothing you can really do to make the best decision every single time because even if you did, you may still be missing out on something you didn’t realize could exist. Who knows? Maybe this whole experience was meant to be – for me to go on this path to see things that people could see or to feel emotions that I wouldn’t have otherwise felt.Who knows?

And who cares? Maybe if we stopped thinking about trying to live perfect lives we could see the perfection within our lives already. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very anxious person, but maybe if we learned to realize that nothing is concrete and there are multiple ways to happiness then we will eventually be able to find our happiness – with no ifs required.