I’m finally home after around a month and I barely recognize the stuff in my own house. Mainly because I just stay in my own room most of the time, but also because I don’t completely remember my own house and I can’t get used to how bright everything seems to me right now. It’s like staring straight into the light all the time. Furthermore, who knew coming up the stairs would be such a struggle, especially since I can’t even walk up the stairs on my own. A basic task that I can’t do alone any more. I used to run up and down the stairs like it was the easiest thing in the world, I used to memorize exact excerpts from the textbooks I had, and I used to be a very active member in the school. I guess I can’t be active if I’m hopping on one leg and losing my memory.
I shouldn’t be complaining though, at least I am without a tumour now and I don’t have to have half my body paralyzed permanently. I won’t die now, but I wish I listened to my body a bit earlier or went to an eye doctor earlier. The family doctor didn’t tell me anything useful except that it was a tension headache and I should go home. Maybe I’ll go back just to show her what her ignorance had caused (It’s not really her fault, but it’s nice to find someone to blame sometimes).
Looking back on what I have done before, I should really be more proud of myself. All the medals I’ve gotten and all the awards I should be ecstatic. But I’m not. I have unreasonably high expectations for myself that I deem normal. The “be the best and expect nothing less” mentality was a norm. Why aren’t I in first place? Why am I not number one? I got second place in DECA provincials (a business competition), I got the second highest average last-last-year, and I even lost my 100 in accounting this year when I”bombed” the exam with a 85 because my tumour was causing memory problems. Not to mention it took me a whole week to study for bio and accounting, I skipped the math and chem exams due to my nausea and vomiting, and despite doing both English and music exams, I was nauseous the whole time. From valedictorian to nothing, I’ve been through it all.
Looking back at my elementary medals, my DECA medals, my plaques from awards at school, and my TDSB sports ribbons and medals etc, I should be really proud of myself. Except I’m not. I expect this from me. I am Jessica. I think it is absurd to enter university a bit later than everyone else, and it’s absurd to miss some of school. What am I, a loser? I have unbelievably high expectations on myself; that’s how I make myself good. I expect perfection, but I’m beginning to realize that’s a bit much to ask for. Yes, there are times that I slack off a bit, but nothing so slack-y that I will ever fail anything. That goes against the very statement of being Jessica. So when you start telling me I’m going to go to school later or have to go to a special school first, that hurts my ego a lot. What do you mean I can’t go back to school yet? What do you mean it will take a few months to recover? I don’t understand.
Between what I expect from myself and what an alternate universe’s slacker-Jessica wants, there’s got to be a happy medium. There has got to be a way I can get the marks I want without killing myself. There has to be.
I’m beginning to realise how to do that now. I can sleep early and still do well. I can spread out my time. I can do a lot of things to help me adjust and get back to normal, and I have to do it. I used to be very independent, now I can’t shower by myself. I’ll get back to showering by myself just like I got back to eating myself, and I already got back to going to the washroom, not a commode. I’m making leaps and strides in my recovery, but unless those leaps take me back to school, it’s never enough to satisfy me. But now I have a goal in mind.
Since I end these with what I think are clever one-liners now, here it is:
Don’t kill yourself over what you can’t change, make it better with hard work and determination because that’s all you can really do for now.