I often draw inspiration from the things around me – people, TV, videos, etc. Whatever it is, I often draw the good lessons from these sources of inspiration. Although, no one’s exactly receiving these lessons, I think I should keep on writing about them either to remind myself, or tell the few people that actually reads these. I should probably write more generally, but it always ends up being about me.
Me. Me. Me.
It’s easy to write about myself, and towards the end of this I’ll make it about myself once again. But for now, I’m going to talk about SourceFed, and SourceFed Nerd, and the Super Panic Frenzy crew on YouTube.
Who are these people you may ask? They are, in the simplest, my friends from another world. The Internet world.
Yesterday, I was listening to their podcast:
I learnt a lot from this podcast, unlike a lot of other SourceFed videos. But sometimes, the SourceFed crew surprises me with a little piece of depth like this.
One thing they talked about first was about labelling yourself, and how that places unfair limitations on yourself. Today, labelling yourself by saying stuff like “I’m a nerd, or “I’m awkward” is the new trend. It’s a way to protect your pride so no one else can label you. They each then talked about their moment of revelation. Each some place normal, and realize something extremely simple, but spectacular.
William Haynes said “if you’re doing life right, you will constantly be changing”. The world doesn’t revolve around you, you have to revolve around it. Later in the podcast, it was mentioned that “Happy is not the goal, we can decide how we want to feel”. You have the choice to make a decision to put yourself in a better place.
I was watching a dumb TVB television drama today called “Raising the Bar”, the 8 o’clock drama on channel 36 right now about lawyers. I grew up watching these dramas. The 8 o’clock and 9 o’clock dramas on Fairchild TV was a good chunk of my childhood. Now, I only watch the few that don’t get me angry enough to give up on them completely. Often times, I get so angry at what they teach in those shows because their values are all screwed up and backwards. I get angry when characters suddenly change personalities, or when people suddenly change their minds and lie. But mostly, I get the most upset when someone doing good gets in trouble for it. When the world is imperfect or “evil” I get upset. I get worked up. I get so angry for things that are just real life. Sometimes melodramatic life, but still, things that happen in real life.
I got particularly upset at the suicide of someone in that show. It was a law student who killed herself because of her failing grades. However, she tried to mask it by making it out to being first about her mental conditions, and then when granted a chance that she didn’t fully appreciate it. She pointed fingers at her teacher for being a rapist. The one who was there to support her and give her chances when no one else would help her. When that failed too, she killed herself with an overdose. The reason that I got so angry at this is not because I expect TVB dramas to make any sense, but because this is what people are used to now. Crazy, fucked up situations like this are the norms. I don’t expect TV to make much sense, but if this is what we are teaching the new generation, then how can we complain when they are making bad choices?
Whilst watching that, I realized that I will never want to kill myself. It’s selfish. No matter how terrible you are feeling, there is no reason to kill yourself and hurt the others that are around you. Even if you are alone, you will affect the people that are in any way related to you or your situation. It may be those that hurt you, but you will only end up hurting them as well. No matter how you argue it, killing yourself is always selfish. It’s always cowardly. It’s always going to be over something that could have been changed if you just kept trying. You may say that’s digging yourself into a pit. An endless pit that has nowhere to go. But, I believe there’s always a way to dig yourself out. Either by realizing you’ve been digging the wrong way and changing your path, or realizing there’s nothing better you’re trying to reach for and getting yourself out.
Suicide is something I thought about a lot, but every time I get it in my mind I think about how it would affect those around me and I could never subject those around me to that sort of pain. The pain of knowing that they were watching someone suffer but not knowing it.
And although it may not have been a regular moment where I realized this (like the SourceFed hosts) my revelation that there’s always a way out of something. In my “about” tab, I labelled myself with the clubs I’m in, and in a previous post I summarized myself with a sentence or two. These are not all the words that represent me, but these are the words that are most important to me. They highlight what’s important to me. That’s all. They are not limitations, more like guides. They are not labels. They are maps. Maps that have a compass- my personality “workaholic, avid participant…” and a target location- “a friend”. Being a friend is a good place to be. To offer others a sort of support and help others feel the sense of belonging. Because in our world today, it’s easy to feel like you don’t belong. We limit ourselves to these labels because it helps us find a place to be in the world. We refuse to be nice because of the examples we see in the media where being nice brings nothing but bad. I refuse to back up these ideas of our world. I often see myself as a pessimist. But I don’t think I’m a person who’s willing to give up hope on humanity just yet.
The thing is, I don’t think I understand mental illness completely yet, but I intend to learn as much as I can and as best as I can. There is a lot of stigma for those with mental illness, and even while watching the ridiculous TVB drama, I tried to put myself in her shoes trying to get herself through law school with only scholarships to support her. It could be argued that it was realistic, maybe a bit too real for me to understand. And although I understand those who kill themselves, I won’t do it myself. I can never put an end to my life knowing that there are people that care and that there is always a way out. For those thinking about suicide, there’s always at least one person who cares. If not, hit me up. I’ll be that one person for you.
That’s why the SourceFed crew still stays important to me. Even though they went through massive changes since the original “20 Minutes or Less” gang and the first introductions of of Steve and Meg, they still have the same great messages and great entertainment as they do now. A while ago (actually a pretty long while ago), they had someone on for their Make-a-Wish, which I was incredibly jealous of. They had her on a Table Talk and I wonder where and how she is now. The thing about Make-a-Wishes is that they are for people who are “suffering from a progressive, degenerative or malignant condition currently placing the child’s life in jeopardy.” When you put it that way, I am not as jealous any more.
A couple of months ago, I was in the hospital and they asked me what I enjoyed doing in my spare time. “Netflix, YouTube, etc etc.”
They asked what channel I liked to watch.
I stumbled on my words but finally said “SourceFed”. And then proceeded to find a video example because I still could barely articulate words. I think that shows the huge importance of these videos on my life; even via the internet.
I was put briefly on an anti-seizure drug after my surgery. But they took me off it once I started noticing I was having suicidal thoughts. It could’ve been because I was just out of surgery and still couldn’t move, or it could have been because of the drug, or both. But they stopped it nonetheless after I told my surgeon about it. And they sent a team of psychologists to talk to me about it, and they even had an interview with me asking about my personal mental health. So, in a way, I understand how it feels to want to kill yourself, and not know why, or seem to have a million reasons that all seem to jump out at you at once. Talking about it is painful, but it helps. It’s like being the one to pull out the knife. It hurts, but it has to be done eventually.
It bothers me that this is the only place so far that I can be an advocate for others. I don’t want to be one of those people that let this event control their lives, or make their whole life about this one event like those that are professional motivational speakers. But I also don’t want to hide my thoughts away so quickly before I get a chance to make even a slight difference.
So in reference to the pod cast, I’m not trying to make the whole world happy. I just want to remind people that we have the choice to decide how we want to feel.
In the words of Joe Bereta (ex-SourceFed host), right now I’ve decided I’m…