Am I mature enough?
That’s a question that I often ask myself. As things are going well, going poorly, or just going in general, I always think to myself am I mature enough for my age? Am I making the right decisions?
Often times, I speak in jokes and puns for fun. It’s a pun time, but that brings up my fear of being 18 and not having a clue if I could’ve been mature enough to go university. Everyone else seems so much more mature – they have a part-time job, they are able to visit places and go on vacations on their own, they have a social life, they can drive… and the list goes on and on. I have a different sort of maturity, the type that people my age aren’t supposed to have – the emotional maturity. The kind that comes with life and living through suffering and tragedy. The not-fun kind of maturity. The problem is that I don’t have the other part that should have come first- “the regular maturity”, which is important for staying sane after becoming emotionally mature.
When you have a certain level of freedom and responsibility, it puts you in a different mind-set that usually makes it easier to deal with the more emotional struggles that you may have. I have those emotional struggles and deal with them all right, but I don’t have the benefits of the “fun” parts.
When I was in the younger grades, I just assumed that something would happen before I would get to grade 12 and I would suddenly be up to par with everyone else in terms of their maturity- “gloing up”. However, I am in grade 12 now and I’m still the same old poorly-dressed tromboning girl I was in freshman year. In a way, I felt more “adult” in grade 9. I was more independent and I had a better idea of what I wanted to do. Now, after all I have been through, I’ve never been more confused. I have a pretty solid idea of what I want now, but I have no idea if I can do those things. It’s a waiting game…
A few weeks ago, I was desperately waiting to do my MRI as I was noticing some of the symptoms I had before my surgery…
Now, I am patiently awaiting the results from the meeting with my surgeon.
A couple of odd pages to the office, and a call from the surgeon’s secretary that freaked me out a bit, but so far, no bad news yet. Yet.
I think that’s the type of maturity I have. The kind that can deal with stuff like this. The kind that can deal with this emotional stress. Often times adults tell me “I don’t think I can deal with this as well as you have”, and I think to myself, “well, I didn’t really have a choice”. I think being forced into something helps you learn to adapt. Like if I were to go to university this year or work part-time, I would be forced to adapt. It’s like how some people learn how to swim. Throw ’em into the water and they better learn how to swim quickly. That’s apparently how my dad learnt how to swim. Luckily, my mom is against that way of teaching, or else I would’ve possibly drowned as a young child.
It’s course selection time! OPTIONS! More stress for Jessica as I have to predict the future and select courses based on what I want to do in university + what I think I can handle. It’s a lot of guessing games. My “maturity” is needed here the most. My maturity is needed when my friends are gone next year and I need to make new friends with the younger grades and find ways to make connections outside of school too. My maturity is needed to find jobs! My maturity is being used everyday as I interact with people from my hospital experiences, my rehab experiences, my volunteer/work experiences, and many more situations. So, in many ways, I am mature. Maybe not in the same ways as others that can drive cars and work jobs, but still mature.
I still have time to bloom and evolve! Lots of time to still “glo-up”.