I’ve been forgetting things my whole life.
Whether it is that one fact for a quiz, something that happened on a childhood trip, or the worst thing of all, forgetting memories that emotionally significant, it is frustrating to be in a position trying to remember something.
I think the scariest thing is the thought of not being able to cannot trust your own memory. When you cannot trust your own perception. Not being able to trust what you see or comprehend is terrifying. How much of this is real? Are there other things I’m forgetting or misinterpreting? What is that person’s name again? What happened to her/him? Where am I supposed to go again? What did I just watch? What did I want to order? Oh shoot. The cashier is looking at me. What do I want to order? There was something else I’m supposed to remember… I forget. Now I’m angry. Now I’m embarrassed. I wish I wasn’t me. I wish I was someone else. Someone, who could at least remember most facts and memories or the least the drink you were going to order just a second ago. Why should I even bother learning/caring about anything if I think I will forget it anyway? What’s the point of spending all this extra time studying if I know it will only take a simple reading and processing error to lose all the marks? It’s happened time and time again more recently. And it really gets you feeling helpless. “What’s the point” you think. What’s the point of anything?
I used to love dreams. That’s where I would relive certain good memories, and imagine even better ones. I was fascinated by dreams, how they worked, how they come to be. And I still am. But, I forget how amazing they are because I don’t get them much any more. Or at least, I don’t remember them any more. In the last few years, I only remember a small few of the many dreams- the dreams I supposedly have every night. The ones I remember are never the good ones. I remember reading something a while back about how we have dreams every night and how they are ways we process the things we dealt with throughout the day and that there are ways to make yourself be in control of your dream – lucid dream. All of that was very fascinating.
A lot of the time more recently, I wake up feeling either great or having an odd feeling but fail to remember why. The only explanation is that I dreamt of something that bothered me. The good thing is, I don’t remember exactly why. The bad thing is, I have to feel odd for a good few hours before I forget about that feeling and move on from whatever it was. There are many reasons why I want to know about what I dreamt about. As I hear from my friends talking about their dreams with very specific facts and scenarios, I wonder about myself…is something wrong with me to not be able to remember my dreams? Or even when I do remember, I only remember the main idea of it and how I felt in the dream. Emotional memories are always the strongest memories because there’s a special part of the brain that processes memories that is also coincidentally near the emotional center.
Sometimes I feel pressured to finish my blogs all in one sitting because I fear I’ll forget my main message or specific things I wanted to mention in them. The last few weeks especially, I’ve been finding it more difficult to remember things, focus, and make decisions in general. These mistakes so far have costed my time and money. For instance, I ordered the wrong thing, I wrote something down wrong and had to spend extra time before I realized I’ve been studying it wrong this whole time, I was sure of something from a novel I’ve been reading before I realized that it was the exact opposite….etc. etc. And in general, when symptoms like this occur (forgetfulness, nausea, headaches), I feel fear. I fear for the possibility that something is wrong again. That’s the worse thing about it. Once something is wrong physically, I automatically think the worst-case scenarios of it. So not only am I dealing with the physical effects, I also have to deal with the emotional effects now too. It’s a continuous cycle of bad leading to worse, and it’s not obvious for others to see.
Time seems to be passing at a different rate now too. Sometimes it feels fast – too fast to even realize it’s passing. Sometimes it feels slow – so slow it’s like I’m trapped in time. At times, I get emotional trying to process all my thoughts and feelings and just need a break. However, it seems as though when I am going through those times, everyone else around me is too – which makes for really terrible confrontations. The feeling that no one understands and no one has the patience to understand. Everyone is in their own bubble of “don’t talk to me, I’m stressed”.
I chose to name this blog as “Forget Me Not” because I have the fear that I will forget memories that I want to keep – the happy memories, the people I love, the people I care about, the people that care about me, the people that have supported me in whatever way. I also want to remember the people that are not around me anymore. Either that have passed or I just don’t see anymore. From the friends I once knew in kindergarten to the former teachers that I don’t see around anymore, I want to remember them even if they don’t remember me. I want to never forget the virtues I took from them personally, and how they contributed to who I am today. I feel as though I am a leaky water bottle, slowly the water leaks out. Seeps into the oblivion and is never to be found later on. I forget silly stupid seemingly meaningless things everyday, but that brings up the fear of forgetting those that have made a huge difference in my life.
I sometimes try to reflect back on memories from my past and cannot seem see it clearly. I am already started to forget. My crappy water bottle of a mind is leaking. I want to be able to remember this experience and what I’ve learnt from it. I want to make sure I practice what I preach and through the messages I’m sending in my blogs and to actually live up to them. Live up to not only my expectations, but also reach and surpass my goals. Live up to the promises I made to myself for the people that have left me. At times, I feel like I’m trapped by my promises to not hurt others. And even when I find myself so stuck, I have to follow through the promises I made to myself to appreciate my life so much that there’s nothing I can do to get out of it. I have to be the one to find a way to stop my terrible feelings and stop the terrible things that happen in this world. That’s the problem. How can I be able to remember and appreciate the happy memories when I have the weight of 1000 problems of varying significance on my back?
Even when I can’t remember how to do 5+8, I want to remember to always be able to remember how to be a good person – how to live up to the lessons and values that I’ve picked up. Children are all like sponges. They seep up the information they are being fed from those around them. I understand that not everyone has that nurturing and supportive personality. I don’t think I have that personality either! But I want to get people to at least try.
Like I’ve learnt from reading Timothy Findley’s The Wars, we are survived in the memories we create with others and through the things we leave behind. We don’t have to make a world-changing discover or be a world-wide phenomenon, but through the little things we do to influence others, we are survived by those who we touched. I guess no matter what I will truly live forever in this definition. However, who I will be when I love on for eternity will depend on what I can accomplish before I leave, and I guess we are all working on building how we will be remembered.
Today’s quote from the Momentum chrome plug-in for me is :
“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow”
-> something I want to believe in today, tomorrow, and forever.