Me, myself, and I.

I need to take time for me.

I need to take time for myself.

I need to take some time to be who am.

I had a dream, a dream to be the best me I could be. As I was neared what should have been my projected “peak”, I was suddenly hit with something that drove me all the way down – crashing through expected new levels of low.

It took away everything I knew about myself, and all the years I took adapting to being in school and finding what worked best for me was suddenly irrelevant. I was introduced to a whole new world; one that I cannot seem to find my way in.

How I process the environment around me, my ability to multi-task, and my usually keen ability to focus on one specific task now just seems to drown out in the war zone that is my mind – my new broken mind. It’s weird to think that the dreams you had for the at least 5 years of school are suddenly so dramatically affected, and not by choice. So now, as I focus on my notes and my agenda filled with many and multiple brightly coloured reminders, I wonder if I can keep this up forever. How long will it be until I go completely insane? Or will it last until almost forever?

I think I need to start listening to myself more. Taking the time to somehow block out the bad thoughts, negative emotions, and assignments, tests, or presentations and somehow find something within me that will answer all these questions. I need to stop trying to predict the future and try to find a way to begin creating my future. I must make choices that I wouldn’t have made two years ago, and somehow convince myself that it’s okay.

As I double-checked my alarm before bed at 1:20am, I feel a deep, dark feeling of dread – something that is telling me to stop. To be fine with not doing exactly what I wanted to do, but also realize that some things are better to realize sooner than later. I’m trying really hard to realize it sooner.

Currently, I do not know what I am going to do. I am very lost, and there isn’t a recipe to create a better future or a guidebook to living, nor is there a map to your destiny. My fears go beyond forgetting something I need for a test, it’s forgetting how to get home one day because something went wrong in my head. It’s about the fear of forgetting who some of the most important people in my life are. My mind was already complicated and loud, but now I cannot seem to separate out the thoughts that are important from the ones that are irrational fears.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and was confused at who stared back. I stared at a girl who was lost in herself and lost in her world – fearful of what’s to come and tired of being this way. I hope she finds her way. I can tell she is trying really, really hard.

 

Castle.

…the most precious things inside your castle are not jewels and treasure, it’s your ideas, your thoughts and opinions, and possibly most important of all – your emotions.
Protect them with all you got.

I like to think of this new dent in my skull as the moat that protects my brain, my castle. Inside this castle of mine are all the things that you would dream of in any castle. It has a king, the master of decision-making and the ruler of all my final decisions. It has a queen, the supporter of the king and the one that makes him rethink and make decisions carefully, and offer her love and support in his decisions. There’s of course a joker that is clever and funny, but like the one in King Lear is wise and thoughtful. Inside this mind stores a princess who is naive and vain but also a prince that is rebellious and tired of listening to what the king tells him. There are the knights that keep watch and protect the castle from bad thoughts that seem flooding in more and more often, and also a chef that cooks up goodness and heartiness when things get tough. There are the servants that serve loyally and that are there to remind the royalty that there are always those less fortunate, but somehow make it work. And of course, there is a draw-bridge that blocks off bad people and bad thoughts unless I am willing to let them in – giving me a second chance to decide and truly think about everything that I let into my mind and thoughts.

It’s complicated inside. Sometimes certain people are louder than the others, and at times, it gets so loud that everyone might as well be silent. Before everything happened, I never thought I would need a moat. I let people come in easily, but let them go even easier. I didn’t know how to hold on to those I wanted to stay and how to solely let in the ones I needed. Now, although not perfect, I have a better sense of what to do, and I hope you also begin to rethink your own castles. To better protect your mind, thoughts, and feelings, because the most precious things inside your castle are not jewels and treasure, it’s your ideas, your thoughts and opinions, and possibly most important of all – your emotions. 

Protect them with all you got.

Deeper.

Bend deeper into that squat, get those legs burning.

Dive deeper into that reading, get that brain thinking.

Stare deeper into those eyes, get your heart aching.

Dig deeper into your heart, get your emotions brewing.

Think deeper about yourself, get yourself living.

 

Lost.

School has begun again and although I am in the same school I have been for the last 4 years, I cannot shake off the feeling of being lost.

Lost…in the people I don’t know, in the little changes of the school, in the teachers and friends that I no longer see walking the halls, and most notably, lost in my own mind.

I didn’t realize how difficult it was to go through an entire school-day with a full schedule jammed with sciences and maths on my new brain. The white fluffs get distracting against the white of paper or the black of the chalkboard, and it doesn’t help when there are fewer friendly faces and more limitations.

As hands ache from writing notes, and my brain tries to focus my eyes and ears on the teacher, it becomes evident that I may need to try even harder than I had before. I keep thinking to myself “all I need are two U/M credits, and that’s it, that’s all I really, really need”. However, what I thought I wanted was the chance to do whatever I wanted and open my opportunities; not try to figure out how to plainly survive.

As I stared at my math pre-test this afternoon, I recognized questions like these in the work I did before, but for the life of me – I couldn’t remember how to do them. Working backwards, and taking extra time, I eventually finished it to the best of my ability with the knowledge that I probably did a lot of it incorrectly. I walked with my friend who waited for me as I stayed after the bell and she watched as I spoke to myself and recounted my binders. Again and again, I checked my agenda then looked into my locker. Forgetting what I just read, I had to check my agenda at least 3 times. Second day back, and already I was unsure where I sat the first day. Staring into the faces of some of my classmates that I recognized but could not remember their names.

For once, I felt like I didn’t exist. Like somehow, I was not real and no one saw me. But I knew that was not the case, people noticed me. With my large backpack, my unrecognizable face, and my tendency to sit at the very front, I knew people were looking at me. Whether or not they cared was a different story. You feel like no one can see you, and thus, you don’t matter. Yet, people are always looking, so you are never really off the hook. Although, it’s likely that no one cares and you are just another one in the crowd.

It may not be noticeable to others, but every time I struggle to remember a key part to unlocking a basic concept or find words that I’ve used since grade school, I notice it. I notice it a lot. And as my physical self is just as weak as my “academic self”, I just can’t help that maybe my inner self may be just as damaged and weak.

When I would stare at myself in the mirror and look at my hair, I would see the odd shape of it growing back.  I stare at the pink fleshy scar on my scalp that will most likely never be covered in hair again.  I may have lost my hair, but still, this loss a lot less serious than my fear of losing my mind.