I need to take time for me.
I need to take time for myself.
I need to take some time to be who I am.
I had a dream, a dream to be the best me I could be. As I was neared what should have been my projected “peak”, I was suddenly hit with something that drove me all the way down – crashing through expected new levels of low.
It took away everything I knew about myself, and all the years I took adapting to being in school and finding what worked best for me was suddenly irrelevant. I was introduced to a whole new world; one that I cannot seem to find my way in.
How I process the environment around me, my ability to multi-task, and my usually keen ability to focus on one specific task now just seems to drown out in the war zone that is my mind – my new broken mind. It’s weird to think that the dreams you had for the at least 5 years of school are suddenly so dramatically affected, and not by choice. So now, as I focus on my notes and my agenda filled with many and multiple brightly coloured reminders, I wonder if I can keep this up forever. How long will it be until I go completely insane? Or will it last until almost forever?
I think I need to start listening to myself more. Taking the time to somehow block out the bad thoughts, negative emotions, and assignments, tests, or presentations and somehow find something within me that will answer all these questions. I need to stop trying to predict the future and try to find a way to begin creating my future. I must make choices that I wouldn’t have made two years ago, and somehow convince myself that it’s okay.
As I double-checked my alarm before bed at 1:20am, I feel a deep, dark feeling of dread – something that is telling me to stop. To be fine with not doing exactly what I wanted to do, but also realize that some things are better to realize sooner than later. I’m trying really hard to realize it sooner.
Currently, I do not know what I am going to do. I am very lost, and there isn’t a recipe to create a better future or a guidebook to living, nor is there a map to your destiny. My fears go beyond forgetting something I need for a test, it’s forgetting how to get home one day because something went wrong in my head. It’s about the fear of forgetting who some of the most important people in my life are. My mind was already complicated and loud, but now I cannot seem to separate out the thoughts that are important from the ones that are irrational fears.
I looked at myself in the mirror today and was confused at who stared back. I stared at a girl who was lost in herself and lost in her world – fearful of what’s to come and tired of being this way. I hope she finds her way. I can tell she is trying really, really hard.