Warmth.

Winter is coming, and I’m getting cold. The lack of proper circulation makes my right side feel numb and my toes feel like ice cubes and my fingers feel like popsicles. As I cozy up into my layers of sweaters and hoodies, I find myself heating up really quickly – feeling almost feverish at times when I am not dramatically shivering and chattering. It’s really hard to find an in-between. And as I am not comfortable with the temperature, I start to notice the many other things that just do not feelĀ right.

I haven’t really noticed this until now but I love spending time alone. I haven’t even really noticed the fact that I am alone a lot, but as it’s been a couple months now, the feeling of being alone is sort of sinking in. Not having a band class to go to where you can just take a period to laugh at some silly jokes and make some beautiful music, or having a class with friends you have known for years. It’s really different, and although I’m doing alright (for now), I have no idea how long this can last. Clearly, with the number of times I’ve needed to see guidance and social work, I’m trying really hard to figure it all out, and I am finding the help I need.

My mom microwaves these heat pads to help with the aches. It seems that the idea of “warmth” is a large part of the healing process. Whether it be the warming laughter of friends, a comforting hug, or a heat pad settling onto a pair of tired shoulders, sometimes all we really need is some warmth. In many ways, I’ve begun to find new sources of thisĀ warmth from teachers, counselors, social workers, and new friends, but sometimes it’s never enough. And it seems almost unfair that I am needing all this help – taking time out of the schedules for these important people that can be using that time to help someone else. It’s just really hard to ask for help – even when I really need it. I feel like I’ve started to find that balance, but I can’t help but feel bad. I never used to look for shortcuts, I looked for more efficient ways to get to the same spot and definitely never actively relied on help from others (maybe pestered them with questions, but never additional help). However, as it seems to be a mile of roadblocks ahead, I may need to look for both. Even if that means losing out on part of the journey, I still need to get there eventually, and who knows how long it will take me now if I continue down the path I would have taken.

So…

Yes, you need help, Jessica.

No, this doesn’t mean you are stupid, it means you are struggling.

No, this won’t necessarily last forever.

Yes, you can do it – just keep trying.

Yes, even when you are very tired and want to quit.

Yes, now and forever.

 

 

The Burn.

I feel the fire within my soul screaming at me to reach my potential.

But, I also feel the tension within me as I ache;

My muscles and bones are set ablaze whenever I try to move them.

 

I feel the burning desire to continue on and show the world who I can be.

But, I also feel the acid scorch my throat when my meal travels backward;

My eyes burn from the consequent tears.

 

Fire is fighting with fire, and I am not sure who is going to win –

I just don’t want to be the one to lose.