I’m so selfish.
I’ve spent the last little while focussing on myself a lot. On my future, on my prospects, and on my worries. I forgot that there’s more to life than me and my little bubble. There are more problems happening in the world than my own and the large-scale ones based on politics that I seem to care about but can’t control. That there are people around me suffering, and now that I realize that I can’t help but feel even more stressed. The same terrifying things I’ve seen happen to other people, strangers (in a way), in my days of long-term care volunteering and personal rehabilitation is happening to someone I care about. I feel nauseated by all of it. And I can only begin to imagine what it must feel like to be in that position because as much as there are many similarities, I don’t have kids or grandkids to worry about, and if having people see me in that vulnerable position was hard, I can’t even comprehend how it must feel to have the people that you raised have to “raise” you. I realized this week, or the last couple days, that what I wrote in my applications and such may have been great – inspirational and real – but it may not have been real enough. I neglected and/or forgot about what this process felt like -the process of suffering indirectly. It seems that I just keep on changing, and along with it, my personality and opinions too. But it seems that as much as people say that I seem happier and healthier, I can’t seem to remember if I really am or if this is all just a delusion that has almost run its course. Nonetheless, I can’t let myself worry about that now. There are other more pressing matters to tend to.