I feel the fire within my soul screaming at me to reach my potential.
But, I also feel the tension within me as I ache;
My muscles and bones are set ablaze whenever I try to move them.
I feel the burning desire to continue on and show the world who I can be.
But, I also feel the acid scorch my throat when my meal travels backward;
My eyes burn from the consequent tears.
Fire is fighting with fire, and I am not sure who is going to win –
I just don’t want to be the one to lose.
I streak on my concealer across all the scars on my face, covering all my inner battles.
I buff powder into my skin, blending my sickly skin to porcelain perfection.
I add highlighter and blush, creating the image of colour and health.
I comb on mascara to make my eyes seem open; unaffected by my tired, droopy lids.
I do these things not to make myself seem beautiful to others, but to feel powerful to myself.
I look at myself in the mirror and admire the art I have created.
Not the smears of colours I have added, but at what it enhances on the canvass.
Sometimes, it just takes a stroke of colour to find that person within – the one that is strong, confident, and powerful…the one that was always there.
Bend deeper into that squat, get those legs burning.
Dive deeper into that reading, get that brain thinking.
Stare deeper into those eyes, get your heart aching.
Dig deeper into your heart, get your emotions brewing.
Think deeper about yourself, get yourself living.
You rang the doorbell tonight
And I came – knowing it was you.
When I peered into the window,
I saw my own reflection.
An aged version of myself,
With a peculiar sort of expression.
Face wrinkled with age, eyes focused;
Yet still, we looked one and the same.
As our reflections overlapped and warped into one,
I was unsure who I was looking at.
Shocked – I stumbled backwards laughing hysterically at this coincidence.
Surprised – Your face beamed with a sort of pride, and all evidence of age was erased.
The static-like blurs on the wall of my bedroom seem to cloud my vision like snow.
It’s like looking out on Christmas Eve trying to stay awake waiting at the window.
The light from the crack at the door peers in like the lamps on the streets.
The blurs make my room seem fluffy – almost like snow falling gently to my sheets.
I turn to my reading lamp and click on the light like a remote to a car.
Only then, did I realize these memories are from a time much too far.
I look over to the stack of books I’ve yet to have read.
I think about all the words that I’ve yet to have said.
Glance to my calendar with one day left before the month is changed.
Realize that within a year, not much in my life has been rearranged.
It’s like I’ve lost a year of progress and improvements.
But really, I’ve gained a lifetime of unimaginable lessons and achievements.
All of this from some little fuzzy lights, that supposedly distort my vision.
It seems to have done the opposite, giving me clarify and direction.
The crashing of the pins as a player throws a strike…
The crashing of the speakers as a rapper drops the mic…
The crashing of the thunder as the lightning hits the sky…
The crashing of the cars as the passengers are gone with no goodbye…
These moments are all piercing and followed by silence.
They are moments that move or change those around us.
These instances of monumental contrast are hypnotic.
Mesmerizing because they’re so dramatic.
Dramatic in the way that they seem to bring people up,
Or in the way that they tear people down.
It’s just the way life works,
And there is no way around.
Took a streetcar named desire in search for something,
And that something I ended up with was the feeling of nothing.
The feeling of wanting more and never finding enough,
But that’s the type of feeling that helps get you tough.
It didn’t take long before I let those desires invade,
I let them control me, and I let myself fade.
The wrath of heartbreak made me insane;
It didn’t help that I was faced with the inhumane.
Things started unraveling and it all just went wrong,
Maybe what I was looking for was something else all along.