Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will be beginning my first of 30-days of radiation treatments.
In my recent scans, there have been several spots of regrowth, and I’ve been awaiting information until recently when they confirmed I will be doing radiation treatments.

It’s all very frightening.
It’s all very stressful.

I’m trying my best to deal with it all as best as I can while processing the million other things on my mind. It’s not exactly calming when the information they do give you is the possibility negative side-effects while stringing in some of the worst of worst-case scenarios.

The most unfortunate of it all is the waiting – and then the overthinking – and then the waiting again. It generates some sort of unique anxiety, but the interesting thing is telling people about it and seeing/hearing their reactions. It puts things back into perspective, whether it be them sharing their personal stories or their lack of reaction possibly from disbelief, either way, it’s something. It shows how situations like this aren’t simple to deal with. It shows me how, fortunately, it isn’t a common thing and people just don’t know what to say or what to do to help. Unfortunately, this means that I, myself, don’t yet know how to deal with it yet either.

I contemplated sharing this on a more public platform but knew that it would cause more discomfort than good. So for those of you who still periodically come here (for whatever reason), I hope this gives you some insight into what’s going on and hope you appreciate this post. It took me a lot of emotional energy to write it, but I’m going to need even more emotional strength to make it through this, and I’m glad I got a chance/a platform to at least put these thoughts out there.

But hey, wish me luck, and don’t be too upset about it – let me take care of that.

“It’s Nothing, But There’s Something”.

*Paraphrased*

“It’s nothing that’s clearly a problem right now, but there are 2 spots that are possibly a concern.

There’s nothing we can do now; come back in 6 months. Everything else seems ok, so there’s nothing we can do to help right now.”

But in 6 months, I would have applied to all the universities I wanted to apply to, maybe even accepted into some.

In 6 months, the plan for my next few years will be set, and all at the same time whatever showed up on the scan could be growing – becoming a new problem I will just have to learn to live with or do more treatments to fix.

How am I supposed to cope with waking up every morning trying to figure out if my headache is just a side effect of my life or is it a clue into what is happening inside? Every time I am over a toilet regurgitating my last meal, I begin to question what is causing this. Am I just going insane? Am I physically sore from whatever is happening inside me or am I just sore from being sore?

My god, what am I going to do? How am I going to get through this?

It seems sort of dumb that you’re ok for now actually has brought on more stress for me. I guess it’s because it’s not a 100% clear, it’s a mixed answer.

And I always hated mixed answers – unsure responses that raise more questions that answers.

 

Pre-Scan Jitters.

I have an MRI tonight – moved earlier because I told my doctors about some symptoms I’ve been experiencing. The same sort of symptoms I experienced a little over a year ago during what was likely the most difficult time/situation of my life.

I showered early as the scan is at midnight in downtown. Now I stare at my dinner unappetizingly with a weird feeling in my stomach and throat – warning signs of classic Jessica-style vomiting.

It’s never about the scan itself that is frightening.
It’s always about what the scan shows.

If it’s not clean, that’s a whole set of new worries. However, even if it is clean, there are some unanswered questions and problems which may now never have an answer.

I don’t even know what I want to hope for. Maybe something minor that can be fixed with some pills? Small treatments?

I don’t know.
I don’t want to know.

I just want to find out soon if it’s something that can be helped.

I just want some help.