Random Thoughts #9.

  • Are the unique tones, rhythms, and beats most crucial to making music magical?
  • Or are the emotions, meanings, and lyrics what really makes it feel right?

I don’t know the answer to those two questions, but I do know I appreciate and need both – something about certain combinations of notes and rhythms can present intense emotions, and when they paired with the right lyrics, it makes us feel a certain way.

I’ve spent too many nights crying myself to sleep listening to certain songs, but I’ve also spent many mornings feeling a lot better after doing so.

You gain some; you lose some.

 

 

 

Random Thoughts #7.

I’m so selfish.

I’ve spent the last little while focussing on myself a lot. On my future, on my prospects, and on my worries. I forgot that there’s more to life than me and my little bubble. There are more problems happening in the world than my own and the large-scale ones based on politics that I seem to care about but can’t control. That there are people around me suffering, and now that I realize that I can’t help but feel even more stressed. The same terrifying things I’ve seen happen to other people, strangers (in a way), in my days of long-term care volunteering and personal rehabilitation is happening to someone I care about. I feel nauseated by all of it. And I can only begin to imagine what it must feel like to be in that position because as much as there are many similarities, I don’t have kids or grandkids to worry about, and if having people see me in that vulnerable position was hard, I can’t even comprehend how it must feel to have the people that you raised have to “raise” you. I realized this week, or the last couple days, that what I wrote in my applications and such may have been great – inspirational and real – but it may not have been real enough. I neglected and/or forgot about what this process felt like -the process of suffering indirectly. It seems that I just keep on changing, and along with it, my personality and opinions too. But it seems that as much as people say that I seem happier and healthier, I can’t seem to remember if I really am or if this is all just a delusion that has almost run its course. Nonetheless, I can’t let myself worry about that now. There are other more pressing matters to tend to.

 

 

Random Thoughts #6.

I’m just really tired.

I am just confused (and sort of over this whole thing). I’m afraid that I took this whole extra year to just leave me even more unprepared and unsure. My marks show one thing, but the weary nights to get those marks tell another. Worried about if I made the wrong decisions, worried about where things will take me, and in general, being really angry about the hate and judgement that is university discussion forums.

  • Why I shouldn’t care: If they are on those forums, they are probably just as oblivious as you are.
  • Why I maybe should care: They are still the next generation, and probably I will be seeing them at some point in my career (or someone similar).

Well, that is, if they don’t end up falling from their high horse and hurting themselves first. They may bruise more than just their ego.

 

 

 

Ifs.

**WARNING: FEATURES LA LA LAND SPOILERS**

What if?

That phrase that will be the death of me. Today I watched La La Land in theaters and despite it being a good movie like all the reviews say (with issues of the character development and stereotypes aside), it didn’t WOW me as much as it brought me to a very emotional state – reminding me of the everlasting question of “what if?”. 

Although they ended up being happy in their own separate lives, what would have really happened if they actually met the first time they saw each other (like the film previewed), or if after she filmed the movie they were to get back together, etc. etc.

Thinking about these questions brings up the issue of the million intricate possibilities in life. The many decisions that we make and the many things that are brought to use by fate. So many things are based on spending that extra second to get ready or a split-second decision. That doesn’t mean that bad decisions don’t sometimes lead to amazing outcomes – they are decisions. I often imagine myself in these scenarios (maybe I already am in these situations and just don’t realize it) and think “darn it, what would I do?”.  But this is real life, and there are no replays or flashbacks to tell me.

Much like they did, I probably just have to smile and be glad that the other is happy that they are both successful and doing well. However, it still pains me to think about the infinite possibilities that we all have. I highly doubt I will ever be exactly in Mia (Emma Stone)’s shoes, but what if somewhere along the way I let go of someone or something that could have been amazing? I will never know. Something about that just feels wrong to me, but then again, nothing ever really feels 100% right (at least I haven’t experienced it yet).

Personally, many questions of what if came up often after my injury. Questions of What if this didn’t happen? or What if just did this instead – could I have prevented? still often haunt me. What I have started to realize over time – especially after this movie – is that there’s nothing you can really do to make the best decision every single time because even if you did, you may still be missing out on something you didn’t realize could exist. Who knows? Maybe this whole experience was meant to be – for me to go on this path to see things that people could see or to feel emotions that I wouldn’t have otherwise felt.Who knows?

And who cares? Maybe if we stopped thinking about trying to live perfect lives we could see the perfection within our lives already. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very anxious person, but maybe if we learned to realize that nothing is concrete and there are multiple ways to happiness then we will eventually be able to find our happiness – with no ifs required.

 

 

Warmth.

Winter is coming, and I’m getting cold. The lack of proper circulation makes my right side feel numb and my toes feel like ice cubes and my fingers feel like popsicles. As I cozy up into my layers of sweaters and hoodies, I find myself heating up really quickly – feeling almost feverish at times when I am not dramatically shivering and chattering. It’s really hard to find an in-between. And as I am not comfortable with the temperature, I start to notice the many other things that just do not feel right.

I haven’t really noticed this until now but I love spending time alone. I haven’t even really noticed the fact that I am alone a lot, but as it’s been a couple months now, the feeling of being alone is sort of sinking in. Not having a band class to go to where you can just take a period to laugh at some silly jokes and make some beautiful music, or having a class with friends you have known for years. It’s really different, and although I’m doing alright (for now), I have no idea how long this can last. Clearly, with the number of times I’ve needed to see guidance and social work, I’m trying really hard to figure it all out, and I am finding the help I need.

My mom microwaves these heat pads to help with the aches. It seems that the idea of “warmth” is a large part of the healing process. Whether it be the warming laughter of friends, a comforting hug, or a heat pad settling onto a pair of tired shoulders, sometimes all we really need is some warmth. In many ways, I’ve begun to find new sources of this warmth from teachers, counselors, social workers, and new friends, but sometimes it’s never enough. And it seems almost unfair that I am needing all this help – taking time out of the schedules for these important people that can be using that time to help someone else. It’s just really hard to ask for help – even when I really need it. I feel like I’ve started to find that balance, but I can’t help but feel bad. I never used to look for shortcuts, I looked for more efficient ways to get to the same spot and definitely never actively relied on help from others (maybe pestered them with questions, but never additional help). However, as it seems to be a mile of roadblocks ahead, I may need to look for both. Even if that means losing out on part of the journey, I still need to get there eventually, and who knows how long it will take me now if I continue down the path I would have taken.

So…

Yes, you need help, Jessica.

No, this doesn’t mean you are stupid, it means you are struggling.

No, this won’t necessarily last forever.

Yes, you can do it – just keep trying.

Yes, even when you are very tired and want to quit.

Yes, now and forever.

 

 

“It’s Nothing, But There’s Something”.

*Paraphrased*

“It’s nothing that’s clearly a problem right now, but there are 2 spots that are possibly a concern.

There’s nothing we can do now; come back in 6 months. Everything else seems ok, so there’s nothing we can do to help right now.”

But in 6 months, I would have applied to all the universities I wanted to apply to, maybe even accepted into some.

In 6 months, the plan for my next few years will be set, and all at the same time whatever showed up on the scan could be growing – becoming a new problem I will just have to learn to live with or do more treatments to fix.

How am I supposed to cope with waking up every morning trying to figure out if my headache is just a side effect of my life or is it a clue into what is happening inside? Every time I am over a toilet regurgitating my last meal, I begin to question what is causing this. Am I just going insane? Am I physically sore from whatever is happening inside me or am I just sore from being sore?

My god, what am I going to do? How am I going to get through this?

It seems sort of dumb that you’re ok for now actually has brought on more stress for me. I guess it’s because it’s not a 100% clear, it’s a mixed answer.

And I always hated mixed answers – unsure responses that raise more questions that answers.

 

Random Thoughts #3

“I miss the days when washing and blow-drying my hair was not an emotional and physical struggle.”

  • I used to not  wash my hair often because it was tedious, and I had other work I could have been doing during that time. Now, I don’t enjoy it for that same reason, plus the fact that when I wash my hair, I have to feel the ridges on my scalp and have to deal with the fact that I will have to dry it. Blow-drying my hair means holding up a blow-dryer for a long period of time as it aches – reminding me of the fact that I still am not fully there yet in terms of arm strength. As I struggle to keep my balance against in the slippery tub slicked with conditioner and fear clouds my brain when my eyes close to rinse, I am somehow transported back to the various stages of my recovery and shudder. I guess there’s nothing left to tell, at least not right now. So I might as well go back to actually drying my hair now. Oh boy, wish me luck.