My name is Jessica. I’m a full time worrywart, student, and I also apparently have a brain tumour. As an avid watcher of dumb television, I feel like I belong in some sort of soap opera or drama; in which case I would end up bald, dead, or a more realistic approach would be I end up fine. Two family members with cancer and a decent biology mark later, I still don’t understand much other than the basics. Yes, I know what an EKG is, how a tumour develops, and the components of the blood you’re drawing out of me, but what does that really mean?
I started the day with a normal summer schedule of doing nothing and then a regular eye exam. After telling him a few of my symptoms that I thought were normal and having a few tests behind my eyes, I somehow end up in need of a brain surgery due to abnormal amounts of pressure behind the eyes caused by a tumour. Turns out the little things I thought I was just being whiny about was actually serious. I always thought my problems revolve around my emotions and stress. I was “that girl”. The one crying about a 90 and freaking out because of something completely ridiculous and meaningless. This blog was meant to be my way to share my feelings, and it turns out I will have something interesting to write about. Maybe the hardest year of my life was just starting. The post I wrote yesterday and deleted now seems even more petty when I just had a team of 4 neurosurgeons and 2 regular doctors stand in front of me. Ouch. And I thought my stye was the problem.
Hospital rooms seem too familiar to my family and I. Cells like to become abnormal too often, and I apparently also like to get sick a lot. Last time someone I knew was in the hospital, they died in around two weeks. That’s hard. You’re telling me that doesn’t happen often? You’ve got to be bluffing, and even if not, I only know two people who needed to come into the hospital recently. One’s dead and one still is recovering and lost a husband. If you ask me, I’d say this an unfair trade for someone that worked so hard all her life. We’re not sure what I have, but tumour is generally not codeword for “you’re healthy go home”.
Now it’s the waiting game; actually, it’s always been the waiting game for hospital visits. I can’t tell if writing all this is helping me or upgrading my worries. Either way, I’m doing something productive while I wait.
I was worried about my fitness in terms of how fast I could get some sick biceps and my 6-pack abs, but before I could really get there, I was spending hours at time in the hospital for my grandpa’s cancer and by the time of his passing I just never went back. Who could have guessed my laziness and headaches had their own reason as well? I’m not even in my surgery yet and I’m thinking, how fast I can get back to school, get back to my teams, get back to my clubs. Everything happens for a reason, and I feel like the way I felt in the last few months was a way to prepare me for the last few days. Besides, I have some sick white stickers on my head (kinda like a massive science experiment. I was a 5th grade science fair winner you know). The good thing is that I’m passing all my tests they give me (maybe not my CT or MRI…), but if all goes well, it will be a good story to tell. Maybe if I stopped cursing myself every time I made a mistake and stopped being mean to cancer I’ll be okay. Sorry cancer, I take back the fuck you, but we all know you’re just really terrible.
PRO-Saline is an effect time-saving method instead of eating.
CON-Not as tasty.