Anxiety.

As I pick-pick-pick at my acne and obsess-obsess-obsess over little things that I know I shouldn’t worry about, there are very little things that I can productively do to combat my emotional struggles. I got rid of my gaming habits (arguably too well, I can’t even get myself to play those games anymore), I unsubscribed/unfollowed so many channels and pages trying to get myself to concentrate that scrolling through social media is no longer interesting to me, and as much as it pains me to say, I already finished all the shows on Netflix that I want to watch and cannot risk starting a show that will take too long to finish anymore.

The only things that I CAN still do are listen to music and read – things that take concentration and getting into. Unfortunately, the anxious thoughts always come flowing back to me except when it’s the middle of the night – in darkness. But it’s still sort of hard to read in the dark.

 

Over the break or holidays, if there is something that’s on my mind, I tend to overthink about it even more rather than simply enjoy my time. So obviously, it will be a lot worse over this break when it’s the break where I await university replies and a final exam when I return. On top of that, I have a test to hand-in, as well as a rather different and riskier article for the school newspaper likely being published.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’m at a point when I am worried about these things rather than something related to my health. But, could worrying about this be negatively affecting my health? – Mental + Physical?

I’m terrified of not getting into a program that I love – especially since feel as though I am already in a way “settling” for something not as difficult. Staying back another year would be tedious and unnecessary, I’m starting to worry that this year is already too difficult for me to handle. I am so tired of my friends not being here with me at school, and myself – eating lunch alone, spending my time studying by myself in the library during spares, and missing out on all of the fun things about being a high school student (the things that I used to do). Things like sports, an assortment of clubs, the music program, etc. are the things that made high school worthwhile and interesting, but now that I am struggling to keep up with so many things, I feel like just as much as I cut out a lot of the unproductive social things done in my spare time, I also am unable to do as much of the fun interesting stuff (either because of time, or physical limitations now). Maybe, a part of it is also the mental aspects of it – I just don’t know how I fit in with the crowd anymore. I may have lost my place in the school.

An injury in general impacts a person greatly. Now, make that a brain injury during a crucial part of one’s life that has left someone still physically and mentally impaired in many ways – well, that’s just gosh darn unfortunate. I probably would have still felt the anxiety I feel right now, but at least I wouldn’t need to feel as self-conscious and afraid knowing that I am going through this with everyone else I knew. Sometimes I just find myself feeling so alone – then again, who isn’t?

 

 

Warmth.

Winter is coming, and I’m getting cold. The lack of proper circulation makes my right side feel numb and my toes feel like ice cubes and my fingers feel like popsicles. As I cozy up into my layers of sweaters and hoodies, I find myself heating up really quickly – feeling almost feverish at times when I am not dramatically shivering and chattering. It’s really hard to find an in-between. And as I am not comfortable with the temperature, I start to notice the many other things that just do not feel right.

I haven’t really noticed this until now but I love spending time alone. I haven’t even really noticed the fact that I am alone a lot, but as it’s been a couple months now, the feeling of being alone is sort of sinking in. Not having a band class to go to where you can just take a period to laugh at some silly jokes and make some beautiful music, or having a class with friends you have known for years. It’s really different, and although I’m doing alright (for now), I have no idea how long this can last. Clearly, with the number of times I’ve needed to see guidance and social work, I’m trying really hard to figure it all out, and I am finding the help I need.

My mom microwaves these heat pads to help with the aches. It seems that the idea of “warmth” is a large part of the healing process. Whether it be the warming laughter of friends, a comforting hug, or a heat pad settling onto a pair of tired shoulders, sometimes all we really need is some warmth. In many ways, I’ve begun to find new sources of this warmth from teachers, counselors, social workers, and new friends, but sometimes it’s never enough. And it seems almost unfair that I am needing all this help – taking time out of the schedules for these important people that can be using that time to help someone else. It’s just really hard to ask for help – even when I really need it. I feel like I’ve started to find that balance, but I can’t help but feel bad. I never used to look for shortcuts, I looked for more efficient ways to get to the same spot and definitely never actively relied on help from others (maybe pestered them with questions, but never additional help). However, as it seems to be a mile of roadblocks ahead, I may need to look for both. Even if that means losing out on part of the journey, I still need to get there eventually, and who knows how long it will take me now if I continue down the path I would have taken.

So…

Yes, you need help, Jessica.

No, this doesn’t mean you are stupid, it means you are struggling.

No, this won’t necessarily last forever.

Yes, you can do it – just keep trying.

Yes, even when you are very tired and want to quit.

Yes, now and forever.

 

 

The Burn.

I feel the fire within my soul screaming at me to reach my potential.

But, I also feel the tension within me as I ache;

My muscles and bones are set ablaze whenever I try to move them.

 

I feel the burning desire to continue on and show the world who I can be.

But, I also feel the acid scorch my throat when my meal travels backward;

My eyes burn from the consequent tears.

 

Fire is fighting with fire, and I am not sure who is going to win –

I just don’t want to be the one to lose.

“It’s Nothing, But There’s Something”.

*Paraphrased*

“It’s nothing that’s clearly a problem right now, but there are 2 spots that are possibly a concern.

There’s nothing we can do now; come back in 6 months. Everything else seems ok, so there’s nothing we can do to help right now.”

But in 6 months, I would have applied to all the universities I wanted to apply to, maybe even accepted into some.

In 6 months, the plan for my next few years will be set, and all at the same time whatever showed up on the scan could be growing – becoming a new problem I will just have to learn to live with or do more treatments to fix.

How am I supposed to cope with waking up every morning trying to figure out if my headache is just a side effect of my life or is it a clue into what is happening inside? Every time I am over a toilet regurgitating my last meal, I begin to question what is causing this. Am I just going insane? Am I physically sore from whatever is happening inside me or am I just sore from being sore?

My god, what am I going to do? How am I going to get through this?

It seems sort of dumb that you’re ok for now actually has brought on more stress for me. I guess it’s because it’s not a 100% clear, it’s a mixed answer.

And I always hated mixed answers – unsure responses that raise more questions that answers.

 

Random Thoughts #4.

“Oh my god, I am so tired of not being able to do things; not being able to think, and not being able to be me.”

  • I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being stuck on one question forever. I’m sick of being trapped in my own pool of lost memories and mixed emotions. I’m sick of being mindlessly confused even when I may not really be that confused. I’m sick of it. I’m sick…(of it). I don’t want to feel lost. I don’t want to feel out of place, but here I am: lost in a sea of trying to figure out how to calculate LIFO and FIFO inventory amounts and having to calculate what are the chances that something is really going on with my goddamn broken brain. Hell, I am mad. I am emotional. I am unstable, and all I can do is rant about it to people I know in person and here. It’s absolutely horrendous that I cannot think of good things to write and express all these emotions in a productive way. Spending all my energy trying to memorize and organize my mind just to have it all be gone seconds after I complete the test. There is no way this is normal. There must be something wrong, or at least something I’m doing wrong.

Pre-Scan Jitters.

I have an MRI tonight – moved earlier because I told my doctors about some symptoms I’ve been experiencing. The same sort of symptoms I experienced a little over a year ago during what was likely the most difficult time/situation of my life.

I showered early as the scan is at midnight in downtown. Now I stare at my dinner unappetizingly with a weird feeling in my stomach and throat – warning signs of classic Jessica-style vomiting.

It’s never about the scan itself that is frightening.
It’s always about what the scan shows.

If it’s not clean, that’s a whole set of new worries. However, even if it is clean, there are some unanswered questions and problems which may now never have an answer.

I don’t even know what I want to hope for. Maybe something minor that can be fixed with some pills? Small treatments?

I don’t know.
I don’t want to know.

I just want to find out soon if it’s something that can be helped.

I just want some help.

Random Thoughts #3

“I miss the days when washing and blow-drying my hair was not an emotional and physical struggle.”

  • I used to not  wash my hair often because it was tedious, and I had other work I could have been doing during that time. Now, I don’t enjoy it for that same reason, plus the fact that when I wash my hair, I have to feel the ridges on my scalp and have to deal with the fact that I will have to dry it. Blow-drying my hair means holding up a blow-dryer for a long period of time as it aches – reminding me of the fact that I still am not fully there yet in terms of arm strength. As I struggle to keep my balance against in the slippery tub slicked with conditioner and fear clouds my brain when my eyes close to rinse, I am somehow transported back to the various stages of my recovery and shudder. I guess there’s nothing left to tell, at least not right now. So I might as well go back to actually drying my hair now. Oh boy, wish me luck.