Lately since I got here (Holland-Bloorview Children’s Rehab), I’ve been saying that a lot. “It was okay”, is like a catchphrase for me.
“How was your day today?”
“It was okay.”
“How was your physiotherapy/occupational therapy/psychology/your meeting with your social worker?”
“It was okay.”
Mainly because it’s going literally okay. Originally, OK stands for “zero killed”. So in that sense, I’m okay. But really, I’m not okay. I feel really bad because I can’t do things I normally do by myself. Although, I’m improving, nothing is ever fast enough. Yes, they tell me I’m improving faster than expected and yes, they tell me I’m above average at times, but every time I struggle with finding a word (like when I couldn’t remember the words hammock, planetarium, hourglass, or cannon) I get upset. It’s like you recognize the object, but you’re at a lost for words of what it is. Not to mention my right hand is weaker than my left and I type really slow because of it. At least I can type now right?
However, I just want to go home. I haven’t been home in three/four weeks. I was either in the hospital or in rehab. That’s a long time to be away from home. I haven’t even been on a trip for that long. I guess this is more of a journey and less of a trip. My recovery journey is less beautiful than you would expect. It’s not rainbows and butterflies, it’s tough work. It’s assessments that make you feel stupid for forgetting a word, it’s physical assessments as well that test how well you can do stuff like roll over and bridge, it’s also hand assessments that test how well you throw a ball or cross out shapes. Overall, it tests how your brain will react, how fast it reacts, and how well your hand reacts. Slowly but surely, both of those things are coming back. But when you can see how you aren’t getting 9/10 out of ten, it still hurt me on the inside as a tryhard. Or when I see I only got through half the shapes to cross out or dot, that hurts me inside. I wish I could have done the whole thing but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t hit the target every time, I can’t always remember the words, and I don’t even have the memory to remember a list of ten words. The main thing is that I’m trying my hardest to be faster, more agile, and to improve my memory.
I’m really trying. So let me be inspired by the kids who were singing songs at the campfire, and let me be jealous of the teenagers that could actually sing. That’s fine. That’s good jealousy. To say the least they inspired me to try harder and be better than I was yesterday. It won’t be right away that I recover and can go back to school, but I’ll wake up for breakfast tomorrow ready to start my day right. Maybe I’ll have a better than okay day. A spectacular, marvelous, fantastic, or exceptional day perhaps. I’m sick of frowning. Maybe I’ll try smiling tomorrow. Everything is only a maybe, but a maybe is better than a no.
So let us rejoice for the idea of improvement because that’s all that is pushing me to do better than yesterday.