Ifs.

**WARNING: FEATURES LA LA LAND SPOILERS**

What if?

That phrase that will be the death of me. Today I watched La La Land in theaters and despite it being a good movie like all the reviews say (with issues of the character development and stereotypes aside), it didn’t WOW me as much as it brought me to a very emotional state – reminding me of the everlasting question of “what if?”. 

Although they ended up being happy in their own separate lives, what would have really happened if they actually met the first time they saw each other (like the film previewed), or if after she filmed the movie they were to get back together, etc. etc.

Thinking about these questions brings up the issue of the million intricate possibilities in life. The many decisions that we make and the many things that are brought to use by fate. So many things are based on spending that extra second to get ready or a split-second decision. That doesn’t mean that bad decisions don’t sometimes lead to amazing outcomes – they are decisions. I often imagine myself in these scenarios (maybe I already am in these situations and just don’t realize it) and think “darn it, what would I do?”.  But this is real life, and there are no replays or flashbacks to tell me.

Much like they did, I probably just have to smile and be glad that the other is happy that they are both successful and doing well. However, it still pains me to think about the infinite possibilities that we all have. I highly doubt I will ever be exactly in Mia (Emma Stone)’s shoes, but what if somewhere along the way I let go of someone or something that could have been amazing? I will never know. Something about that just feels wrong to me, but then again, nothing ever really feels 100% right (at least I haven’t experienced it yet).

Personally, many questions of what if came up often after my injury. Questions of What if this didn’t happen? or What if just did this instead – could I have prevented? still often haunt me. What I have started to realize over time – especially after this movie – is that there’s nothing you can really do to make the best decision every single time because even if you did, you may still be missing out on something you didn’t realize could exist. Who knows? Maybe this whole experience was meant to be – for me to go on this path to see things that people could see or to feel emotions that I wouldn’t have otherwise felt.Who knows?

And who cares? Maybe if we stopped thinking about trying to live perfect lives we could see the perfection within our lives already. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very anxious person, but maybe if we learned to realize that nothing is concrete and there are multiple ways to happiness then we will eventually be able to find our happiness – with no ifs required.

 

 

Anxiety.

As I pick-pick-pick at my acne and obsess-obsess-obsess over little things that I know I shouldn’t worry about, there are very little things that I can productively do to combat my emotional struggles. I got rid of my gaming habits (arguably too well, I can’t even get myself to play those games anymore), I unsubscribed/unfollowed so many channels and pages trying to get myself to concentrate that scrolling through social media is no longer interesting to me, and as much as it pains me to say, I already finished all the shows on Netflix that I want to watch and cannot risk starting a show that will take too long to finish anymore.

The only things that I CAN still do are listen to music and read – things that take concentration and getting into. Unfortunately, the anxious thoughts always come flowing back to me except when it’s the middle of the night – in darkness. But it’s still sort of hard to read in the dark.

 

Over the break or holidays, if there is something that’s on my mind, I tend to overthink about it even more rather than simply enjoy my time. So obviously, it will be a lot worse over this break when it’s the break where I await university replies and a final exam when I return. On top of that, I have a test to hand-in, as well as a rather different and riskier article for the school newspaper likely being published.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’m at a point when I am worried about these things rather than something related to my health. But, could worrying about this be negatively affecting my health? – Mental + Physical?

I’m terrified of not getting into a program that I love – especially since feel as though I am already in a way “settling” for something not as difficult. Staying back another year would be tedious and unnecessary, I’m starting to worry that this year is already too difficult for me to handle. I am so tired of my friends not being here with me at school, and myself – eating lunch alone, spending my time studying by myself in the library during spares, and missing out on all of the fun things about being a high school student (the things that I used to do). Things like sports, an assortment of clubs, the music program, etc. are the things that made high school worthwhile and interesting, but now that I am struggling to keep up with so many things, I feel like just as much as I cut out a lot of the unproductive social things done in my spare time, I also am unable to do as much of the fun interesting stuff (either because of time, or physical limitations now). Maybe, a part of it is also the mental aspects of it – I just don’t know how I fit in with the crowd anymore. I may have lost my place in the school.

An injury in general impacts a person greatly. Now, make that a brain injury during a crucial part of one’s life that has left someone still physically and mentally impaired in many ways – well, that’s just gosh darn unfortunate. I probably would have still felt the anxiety I feel right now, but at least I wouldn’t need to feel as self-conscious and afraid knowing that I am going through this with everyone else I knew. Sometimes I just find myself feeling so alone – then again, who isn’t?